and now for the news…

PEOPLE WHO TRAVEL TO CITY IN CARS WILL NOT BE ABLE TO STAY

The Premier of Victoria, Dennis Naptime, today announced that anyone travelling into the CBD by car would be turned back. A feasibility study costing $5.2 million has been commissioned to look into the feasibility of establishing a permanent traffic jam in Hoddle Street. It's feasible this might act as a deterrent to motorists intent on driving to the CBD. Anyone who does get through will be promptly fined $20 for every hour they occupy city space.

One idea under consideration is inviting tenders from experienced corporations to secure the border. “An independent body will be established to ensure the fines are administered fairly,” Mr Naptime was quick to reassure taxpayers concerned that it might actually cost something to collect the money.

MANY PEOPLE WHO TRAVEL TO MELBOURNE BY PLANE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO GET IN

An independent study has shown that plain packaging of cars discourages people from using them at all. Taxis, all painted a generic yellow, were used as a control group in the study. Passengers who had travelled from the airport to the CBD, surveyed by a well known international marketing group, overwhelmingly reported the experience as horrid, disappointing, or not very pleasant at all.

Most said they would probably try to quit travelling to Melbourne, and keep trying to quit until they succeed once and for all.

The few passengers who did not complain about travelling from the airport to the CBD were former federal politicians. While they agreed bus or train would probably be faster or more convenient, they were prepared to put up with the negative aspects of air travel for a free spot in business class. They also conceded that government cars were once cheaper, but the government car pool had been privatised.

“Having too many cabs lined up at the airport simply means private enterprise works,” said one passenger who wished to remain anonymous. “Some drivers balk at the idea of short trips, but are prepared to negotiate reasonable compensation with any intending passengers who wave blank cab vouchers in the air,” he said.

PEOPLE WHO TRAVEL TO ROYAL PARK WILL BE SURPRISED BY WHAT THEY DON’T FIND THERE

Melbourne tradition has it that an egotistical Irishman, Robert O’Hara Burke, is wandering lost and disoriented around Royal Park, leading a pack of camels.

This is, of course, a myth. An American Marine camped at Royal Park in 1944 found Burke wandering lost and confused, but Burke was not leading a pack of camels. They had all been eaten by Burke in his desperate struggle for survival. Burke has since passed away, waiting in the Emergency Department of the Royal Melbourne Hospital.

When the truth about Burke was re-discovered by Researchers in the Bailleau library, members of PETA [People for the ethical treatment of animals] were reassured to learn the park is not full of feral camels at all. There had been some concern the bloody big hole soon to be constructed there by a privately owned overseas corporation would have represented a great risk to camel welfare.

Royal Park might have escaped animal activist demonstrations, but not so the co with the Fallen Arches. A spokesman for the fast food hamburger franchise has withdrawn plans to build an outlet in the park, outside the Children’s Hospital.

 “This part of Melbourne does not yet have the required population density to make the outlet a commercial success,” a spokesman said. “Until the population of inner Melbourne is denser, there is unlikely to be much demand for beef farmed in former rain-forest areas, or cage-grown chicken products.

The Premier, Mr Dennis Naptime, suggested protesters intent on stopping the franchise from building in the park stop bitching. “If they really believe it is their own back yard,” he said, “then they should mow the bloody grass themselves.”