this week in spring street

With Ted at the helm, Victoria now has a single regulator for both the alcohol and gaming industries.

“There is no truth at all to the rumour”, the Premier said, “that we will be regulating for mandatory precommitments when people buy liquor.”

“Grog and gambling create jobs and contribute to the GDP,” he went on to say, “and if anyone is going to test changes, it should be the Federal Labor Party, using Canberra as a representative sample of the population at large.”

Pending the results of such a trial, the Minister for Transparent Government has announced the Night Rider buses used to ferry drunks home - thus minimising violence in the city – will be renamed Booze Buses. “After all,” said the Minister, “no-one wants to travel around in a bus which looks like an ad for condoms.”

Finally, Allen Fels, who heads up the Taxi Industry Inquiry, believes he has found a way to stop ongoing attacks on Indian taxi drivers: “Get someone else to drive the bloody things”, he said.

“The impact of a strong Australian dollar, is finally being felt everywhere but WA and Qld. As banks outsource jobs to third world countries and carmakers promise to take their bats and balls and go home, unemployment in Victoria will soon be through the roof. I’m fairly confident that in six months all sorts of people will consider driving taxis a viable way to make a living.”