Wednesday, September 7, 2011

it happens

TAOISM – if you understand shit, it isn’t shit
HINDUISM – this shit happened before
CONFUCIANISM – Confucius say ‘shit happens’
BUDDHISM – shit will happen to you again
ZEN – what is the sound of shit happening?
ISLAM – if shit happens it is the will of Allah
SIKHISM – leave our shit alone
JEHOVAH’S WITNESSISM – knock knock: shit’s coming
ATHEISM – I don’t believe this shit
AGNOSTICISM – can you prove shit happens?
CATHOLICISM – if shit happens you deserve it
PROTESTANTISM – shit happens; can I have an amen?
JUDAISM – why does shit always happen to us?
AMERICAN JUDAISM – so shit happens, already
TELEVANGELISM – send money or shit will happen to you
RASTAFARIANISM – this is good shit!
HARE KRISHNAISM – shit happens, rama rama
JIHADISM – don’t take no shit
NEW AGEISM – visualise shit happening
SHINTO – you inherit the shit of your ancestors
HEDONISM – I love it when shit happens
SATANISM – sneppah tihs
CAPITALISM – this is my shit!
FEMINISM – men are shit
EXISTENTIALISM – what is shit, anyway
SCIENTOLOGY – if shit happens, see Dianetics p 137
MORMONISM – excrement happens
BAPTISM – we’re gonna wash that shit right outa your hair
MYSTICISM – this is really weird shit
VOODOOISM – shit doesn’t just happen, we make it happen
DISNEYISM – bad shit doesn’t happen here
COMMUNISM – let’s share this shit
MARXISM – you have nothing to lose but your shit
CONSPIRACY THEORISM – they shit on us!
PSYCHOANALYSIS – tell me about your shit
DARWINISM – survival of the shittiest
AMISHISM – modern shit is shit
SUICIDALISM – I’ve had enough of this shit
OPTIMISM – shit won’t happen to me
TREKISM – to boldly shit where no one has shit before
SHAKESPEARIANISM – to shit or not to shit, that is the question
CARTESIAN-ISM – I shit, therefore I am
FREUDIAN-ISM – shit is a phallic symbol
LEGAL PROFESSIONALISM – for enough money, I can get you out of this shit
ACUPUNCTURISTISM – hold still, or this will hurt like shit
DOG-ISM – I just shit in your shoe
CAT-ISM – dogs are shit
MOUSE-ISM – oh shit, a cat!
POLITICALLY CORRECTIVISM – internally processed nutritionally drained biological output happens
EINSTEINISM – shit is relative
FAMILY BARBECUISM – relatives are shit
MATERIALISM – whoever dies with the most shit wins
VEGETARIANISM – if it shits, don’t eat it
FATALISM – oh shit, it’s going to happen
ENVIRONMENTALISM – shit is biodegradable
AMERICANISM – the government caused this shit
AUSTRALIANISM - who gives a shit
STATISTICIANISM – shit is 84.7% likely to happen
GANGSTA RAP-ISM – motherfuck this shit, you honkie ho beatch
CYNICISM – we are all full of shit
SURREALISM – fish happens
WICCANISM – you can make shit happen, but shit will happen three times
Earlier this year, I had a laugh with brother number 2 and his wife, at my mother’s expense. The laugh – at my mother’s expense – became something of a running gag over a weekend shared at Noosa.
While SIL2 and I ordered our Sunday lunch , B2 wandered off, returning 5 minutes later with a gift for me. It was a bumper sticker which reads:
Oh Shit…


  1. These are SO funny.

    I've seen a few of them before...the ones in the beginning.

    Did you make up any of the others?

    One of my favorites is the Satanist one. And I love the Wiccan one.

    I don't understand the American Judaism one...which is sad since I'm an American Jew.

  2. I also love the politically correct one.

  3. Hi Dina,
    I'd seen some of these before over the years. Ordered a poster and had it framed, but while typing them out realised it might have been typeset in a country where English is not the first language. Lots of typos and some repeats.

    As a writer yourself you will appreciate I could not help 'tweaking' some of them.
    I think the first Judaism comment sounds international to me, but only because of fiddler on the roof.
    The american one sounds more like the jewish humour made popular in shows like "you don't have to be jewish - but it helps", or other NY style humour. [On the original poster the american judaism was labelled orthodox. Maybe you like that better, but I just couldn't imagine Mel Brooks or Gilda Radner etc as orthodox, though they played the sorts of characters who would speak like that]
    Don't be sad... it might be a sign you are not a JAP [which I would find impossible to believe anyway].

    My faves are satanism and surrealism...
    And my oh shit I turned into my mother bumper sticker.

  4. PS
    they really are incredibly clever. I'd love to meet the person who started it all.