Tuesday, November 8, 2011

operation ka-ching

The Other has requested I provide a score update in the great spider bite competition of 2011.

Approximately 2 weeks after she was initially bitten by a red back, the swelling from her forearm to fingers subsided, but a large infection remained above one knuckle. A lovely GP lanced it and prescribed a course of strong antibiotics. Although the infection has cleared, a granuloma now remains. This photo really does not do justice the size of the lump. But... at least I worked out how to turn the camera flash off.

To oversimplify, in this instance the lump [oma] is most likely made up of dead macrophages [biological goo-munchers] which gave their lives that The Other may live.

The Other believes the lancing deserves a point but I disagree. Pus, after all, is common as muck. I will, however, award a point for the gross inconvenience and discomfort the granuloma is causing.

Patients recovering from surgery, when they come out of anaesthesia, like to grab hold of something. [In the case of male patients, they like to grab something specific first, just to make sure their greatest nightmare has not been realised. Then they grab at the limbs of recovery room nurses. Recovery room nurses often go home with thumping great bruises.]
Thus, at work, both surgical gloves and patient activity have been exerting pressure on The Other’s knob-oma, in turn putting pressure on nerves and tendon.

I’ll also award another point [ka-ching] for the appointment with a plastic surgeon next Wednesday a.m. to remove the thing.

We haven’t heard in recent days of how the Bro-in-law's bite site is progressing, but he will be here later this month to have a knee replacement [ka-ching] so I guess we’ll learn more about it then.

This sibling rivalry is serious, but began with no book of established rules. Should The Other’s sister be awarded points because of her husband’s bite, or should she earn points on her own merit?

How far back should we go – is this to be a life-long competition, or a series of games, sets and matches?
Does The Other score points for having surgery on her Morton’s Neuroma before her sister had surgery on hers? Does the sister earn an extra point for unsuccessful surgery, then an extra point again for needing surgery to correct the surgery, or does she lose one for not going to The Other’s recommended surgeon in the first place?

Whenever a medical issue arises The Other simply discusses it with this or that person at work, and has it dealt with as casually as one might borrow a pen. This adds a whole new dimension to the idea that people with private health insurance are free to choose their own doctors and surgeons. Since I can't work out how to keep score, I've decided to disqualify The Other for insider trading.


  1. This is a very interesting competition.

    Maybe you can make it into a reality TV show.

  2. LOL
    The Other doesn't get disqualified in my book (ex-nurse here) but her sister should as the sister hasn't earned the points herself but is gaining them through her hubby's...may I say silliness for not looking before his foot leapt into the boot.
    And an extra point for the lancing :P

  3. Hi Dina, perhaps a combination of other reality shows so that it appeals to ALL potential viewers: Survivor [the put yer foot in that boot, bit]; Dancing With the Stars [dancing around on one foot because of the pain]; Big Mother [cos that's the name the contestant will probably call the spider]; and The Farmer Wants a Wife [if not because of the yodelling, because the contestant will expect to be waited on hand and foot - pun intended].
    Oh, I forgot - Extreme Plastic Surgery.

    Oh Jayne - Jayne, Jayne, Jayne, Jayne, Jayne! Lancing Schmancing - The Other is a wuss. [But I agree with you about the shonky attempt to cash in on hubby's pain. You wouldn't catch me scoring points orf've someone else's misery: I would be too busy laughing - sympathetically, of course.]

  4. Hahaha!! This is HILARIOUS!!! It shifts hypochondria from being a slightly irritating conversation piece to an actual GAME!!! Although the players probably won't agree with the hypochondria reference ...

    But now I want to know - did the Other agree to your disqualification??

  5. Hi Red, I suspect The Other does not respect the umpire badge I'm wearing, because she awarded herself 7 ka-chings without consulting me at all. [That's one for each stitch the plastic surgeon left in her knob-crater.]