Thursday, February 9, 2012

more exclamation marks than you can poke a stick at ! ! ! !

As a kid I loved going into Coles* and looking at all the “stuff” I could buy if I had sixpence. Many a Saturday morning was spent walking up and down the aisles, fondling the merchandise. The texture and smell of stationery is as good as that of a rich chocolate cake any day, but I think my favourite smell was California Poppy Hair Oil.

Now that Coles has changed beyond recognition, I look forward to the arrival of a quarterly seniors’ club magazine. Forget the mag – it’s the junk mail inserts that make compelling reading.
There is a mind boggling array of useful things one can buy for just a few dollars plus p&p, but that’s not all: The catalogues are printed on art paper that doesn’t smell half bad at all.

But wait, there’s more! These catalogues now come with wrap-around competitions, scratchies and other innovative marketing ideas.

One company assures me I am the ONLY PERSON IN AUSTRALIA to receive the WINNING CLAIM NUMBER 23530737 and if I order within 14 days I will definitely receive $25,000 cash OR a stunning sapphire ring OR $5,000 cash OR an elegant Seiko watch.
Just in case I’m sceptical, there are photos of real winners who said they didn’t believe real people really won these prizes.
[I hope this sense of deja vu is not a sign of something sinister.]

All I need to do to enter is order something. So much to choose from, I don't know where to start:

No garden looks complete without a set of 4 cute meerkats.

Ever had to soak your feet for a few hours before attacking your toenails with a chainsaw?

Have trouble reading those digital clock displays?

see time in the dark

If the glow in the dark doo-hickey don’t do it, you could project the time onto your wall so you won’t need to rummage for your specs in the wee small hours.

If you’ve bought or inherited a very attractive couch and want to protect it…these elegant protectors might do the trick:

buy the whole set and save
I'll never know if I can be creative if I don't try one of these:

turn fruit and vegies into unique candle holders

How do I know this snail mail sale stuff is targeting my own demographic?
Because the mere thought of shopping is exhausting, and I always need a rest halfway to the car:

shopping cart with seat

“No need for speed
if you’re caught short”
Safety Warning: Talking on a mobile phone and driving while using the Portable Urinal is against the law.

sturdy plastic with a spill proof cap
and feminine adapter
perfect for long trips - keep one in your car

*The first Coles discount store opened in Collingwood, Victoria, in 1914. The “3d, 6d, and 1/-”variety store was founded by George James Coles, who had studied U.S. and U.K. chainstore retailing methods.
In 1919 a much larger store was opened, again in Collingwood, with the slogan “Nothing over 2/6d.”


  1. Oh but seriously I WANT those meerkats!

    1. MT, your enthusiasm for these little critters is noted. If Santa leaves me some meerkats for Christmas, I promise to re-gift them to a good home. [Got room for 4 more "rescues"?]

  2. I vote for the Meerkats or the pee-in-the-car thing.

    It would be nice if these contests weren't scams.

    There's this little part of me that wants to believe.....

    1. Sorry Dina, MT already has dibs on the meerkats.
      If Santa does not give me a spill proof portable adaptable urinal for Christmas, don't despair: These things must be best sellers because they've been a standard item for years, and I’ve been waiting for years for an excuse to enter the comp oops order one of these.
      [PS will also forward digital image of $25,000 cheque.]

  3. That shopping cart with seat looks to be pretty cool. It sounds rather like our Ross stores here in the U.S. Or, perhaps merely a Dollar Store?
    Entertaining post FC.

    1. Hi Rubye, I'm with you. The shopping cart with seat thing looks the most practical option.
      I always thought what Americans called a "five and dime" would be much the same as our Coles and Woolworths "variety stores". [6d and 1/- = 5c and 10c respectively].
      The gap in the market was later filled by "$2 shops" which have since morphed into [slightly pricier] "reject" shops.
      ...And TY.

  4. You sure are as funny as a fruitcake. I can't even be bothered reading that stuff any more but I used to.

    1. Hi Diane, I haven't decided what I like most about these things; that someone would dream up half this stuff; that someone would actually manufacture some of this stuff; the over-the top marketing; or the fact that the portable urinal has been around for years.
      Do they keep making more to meet demand or have they been trying to unload the original stock all this time and won't give up?

  5. My my! That portable urinal AND the feminine adaptor is SO appealing - but then I wouldn't have to look for any more public toilets!! HHHMMMmmm... tough choice!!

  6. Red, please stick with the public toilet option - you make such great posts about them!

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