more exclamation marks than you can poke a stick at ! ! ! !

As a kid I loved going into Coles* and looking at all the “stuff” I could buy if I had sixpence. Many a Saturday morning was spent walking up and down the aisles, fondling the merchandise. The texture and smell of stationery is as good as that of a rich chocolate cake any day, but I think my favourite smell was California Poppy Hair Oil.

Now that Coles has changed beyond recognition, I look forward to the arrival of a quarterly seniors’ club magazine. Forget the mag – it’s the junk mail inserts that make compelling reading.

There is a mind boggling array of useful things one can buy for just a few dollars plus p&p, but that’s not all: The catalogues are printed on art paper that doesn’t smell half bad at all.

But wait, there’s more! These catalogues now come with wrap-around competitions, scratchies and other innovative marketing ideas.

One company assures me I am the ONLY PERSON IN AUSTRALIA to receive the WINNING CLAIM NUMBER 23530737 and if I order within 14 days I will definitely receive $25,000 cash OR a stunning sapphire ring OR $5,000 cash OR an elegant Seiko watch.

Just in case I’m sceptical, there are photos of real winners who said they didn’t believe real people really won these prizes.

[I hope this sense of deja vu is not a sign of something sinister.]

All I need to do to enter is order something. So much to choose from, I don't know where to start:

No garden looks complete without a set of 4 cute meerkats.

Ever had to soak your feet for a few hours before attacking your toenails with a chainsaw?

Have trouble reading those digital clock displays?

see time in the dark

If the glow in the dark doo-hickey don’t do it, you could project the time onto your wall so you won’t need to rummage for your specs in the wee small hours.

If you’ve bought or inherited a very attractive couch and want to protect it…these elegant protectors might do the trick:

buy the whole set and save

  

I'll never know if I can be creative if I don't try one of these:

turn fruit and vegies into unique candle holders

How do I know this snail mail sale stuff is targeting my own demographic?

Because the mere thought of shopping is exhausting, and I always need a rest halfway to the car:

shopping cart with seat

“No need for speed

if you’re caught short”

Safety Warning: Talking on a mobile phone and driving while using the Portable Urinal is against the law.

sturdy plastic with a spill proof cap
and feminine adapter
perfect for long trips - keep one in your car

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*The first Coles discount store opened in Collingwood, Victoria, in 1914. The “3d, 6d, and 1/-”variety store was founded by George James Coles, who had studied U.S. and U.K. chainstore retailing methods.

In 1919 a much larger store was opened, again in Collingwood, with the slogan “Nothing over 2/6d.”