Few of the gems TO receives from her cousin in France
The
Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships
HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive
pressure from Brussels , renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next
five ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS
Timorous and HMS Apologist.
Costing
£850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the
very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.
The
new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live
ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone
getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress
counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day and each ship will have its
own on-board industrial tribunal.
The
crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest
Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will
only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in line with Brussels Health
& Safety rules… even in wartime!
All
the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on
the same deck as the Gay Disco.
Tobacco
will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the
wardroom and messes. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation
for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the occasional rum
ration which is to be replaced by sparkling water. Although sodomy remains, it
has now been extended to include all sexes. The lash will still be available
but only on request. Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of
flavours, except Capstan Full Strength.
Saluting
officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist and is to be replaced
by the more informal, "Hello Sailor". All information on notices
boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will
now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches – this
applies equally to female as well as male crew members.
The
MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign
is considered to be offensive to minorities. The Union Jack had already been
discarded.
The
newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a ceremony
conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol
bomb over the hull.
She
will gently slide into the water as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the
Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boat
loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to ports on England
The
Prime Minister said, "While these ships reflect the very latest in modern
thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new
legislation coming out of Brussels
God
bless all etc…
Funny stuff. Personally, I'm burnt out on PC.
ReplyDeleteMe too :) - it has almost become a substitute for meaningful change.
DeleteVery humourous indeed, especially the wheel chair access to the crows nest. PC is becoming boring and sometimes goes way beyond stupidity in my books.
ReplyDeleteLaughable, eh?
DeleteWell even the Women's Weekly is getting in on the PC act with a recipe for 'Gingerbread FOLK'!!!
ReplyDeleteRed, you of all people should be sensitive to any reference to ginger.
DeleteAnyway, what do you expect from a Women's Monthly mag marketed as a weekly? [PS, have you been unwell and waiting in a waiting room, or have you been to a bakery with reading matter scattered about? Hope it's the latter.]