Friday, November 23, 2012

look no further

That's right readers, it's that time of the year again. 
Once again, FruitCake is bringing you the best guide to the best presents to give or receive this Christmas.

The first thing everyone needs at Christmas is protection from all those inane songs about sleighbells and snow. Do your weekly shop in comfort with these specially designed ear plugs. When Christmas is over, simply turn them upside down and use them as white pawns. A gift that keeps on giving all year round!

Are you one of those people who simply can't tell a joke without spoiling the punchline? Never mind, there will be gags aplenty at your Christmas do this year!! Simply make yourself some of these special denture ice cubes, and slip them into any guest's drink when they are not looking!!! 

Why is this cute little fella called I RUB MY DUCKIE? If you know, don't make the mistake of sharing!!!

The perfect gift for the family's favourite fantasy freak: Canned Unicorn Meat!!!!
[Parsley not included].

Forget Disney-themed Bandaids... these special bandaids are perfect for spots, cuts and rashers!!!!!

At least one gift every year has to be some boring, practical article of clothing, right? Well, you can give two gifts for the price of one with this Jedi Dressing Gown!!!!!! 

For the man who is constantly fishing in his pocket... his very own, special rod!!!!!!!

You won't know who's the turkey this Christmas until people start swapping their Kringles. Yep, it's a special beer can chook cooker. How environmentally friendly is that?!!!!!!!!!!

Remember that resolution you made back in January? Now's your big chance to give those annoying oldies the flick!!!!!!!!!!!

We've never met a woman yet that wouldn't prefer a handy housework tool to any other gift. These special dry mop as you slop slippers come in the only colour combination any Aussie needs - Green and Gold. Bound to be a winner!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The perfect team-building idea for the work place. Let your work mates know you know them well, and appreciate them for who they really are!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Of course, if you have a work mate who is not a twat but still something else, why not personalise your message with this special mug and letter set? Comes with 150 plastic letters that will stay where you put them until they are moved.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Not dishwasher friendly. Recommended for use by persons over 50 only, who know how to wash up by hand.]

There's not an opposition whip in the country who wouldn't love one of these beauties. Forget ringing the bells to announce an important vote, this bullshit button will make it more than clear party members had better get their skates on in time to vote veto!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last but by no means least, here's a gift you'll need to order wholesale cos everyone who sees one will want one. Just touch the guitar T shirt and you'll strike a chord. 
Doesn't matter how shy you are, just wear one of these and everyone at the party will want to pluck you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ho Ho Ho... Condiments of the Seasoning!


How did I forget? If you've checked out my favourite blogs on the sidebar, you already know that Red Nomad Oz of Amazing Australian Adventures  is famous for her quirky and colourful views of Australia.

Due to popular demand, she has made a calendar from her highly acclaimed Classic Aussie Loos series. You, the customer, can even choose which month of the year the calendar will start - an iconoclastic approach to presenting pictures of Aussie Icons!


  1. The twat mug gets my vote. In answer to your question a coupla posts back the Trash 'N' Treasure market next to the Newmarket Railway Station was my favourite until it was moved to the Maribynong Drive In because of the residents whinging about the noise and traffic on the weekends.

    1. The TWAT mug sounds perfect for me. Well, not FOR me. Twould be good if we could pick our own message, but TWAT is an excellent start.

      Ahhh, so that's where the T & T went! Ta.

  2. Decisions, decisions. I think I will choose the bacon strip bandaids. Your duck looks very like my duck. Who would have thought.

    1. They may look alike but as a man of the world you will appreciate that some ducks are more equal than others.

  3. The mop shoes look fun...and useful.

    The same goes for that bullshit button.

    1. Dina, I'm not sure about the mop shoes. It's taken me years to develop a reputation as someone who doesn't do housework unless absolutely necessary.
      But the bullshit button? The possibilities are endless.

  4. Personally I love a gift that 'keeps on giving', so the earplugs get my vote.. Very eclectic selection of pressies FC.

    1. Aaah, you're a practical woman, Grace. And re-usable as earplugs the next Christmas!

  5. Oh, come on! Where's my Scenic Public Toilet Calendar??!! And do the earplugs come with a cleaning kit to remove that pesky wax buildup? Or is having sticky chess pieces desirable?!?!?!

    1. Surely some pesky wax is a small price to pay for preventing carol induced ear bleeds?

      As for your calendars, I cannot apologise enough. A STOP PRESS now appears at the end of this post [better late than never]. Yours with much tugging of forelocks, FC.

  6. LMAO
    Love the gift selection, I know of several who couold do with the unicorn meat and the twat mug *snort*