Saturday, September 15, 2012

losing it




Somewhere, right now as I type, an engineer is modifying the design of a washing machine to ensure socks are - more efficiently than ever - separated from the rest of the wash and teleported to another time and place. [More sophisticated washing machines also incorporate a magnetic device for extracting pieces of wire from ladies’ support garments.]

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There is a reason that Australians refer to cell phones as ‘mobile’ phones; we can never find them. They relocate themselves with a level of deviousness keys have never been able to achieve.
Most of the calls we make from our kitchen phone here in Franger are made for the sole purpose of trying to locate mobiles.

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Is the nail file problem as common as the odd sock problem? At least 4 times a year I go to a reject shop and buy two or three little travel kits with nail scissors, clippers and files. In the middle of the night, some cheapskate who collects, scraps and recycles metal for a pittance a pound, sneaks in and disappears them. He’s been doing it so frequently and for so long that even the dogs don’t take any notice of his comings and goings.

But nothing – not the odd socks, the manicure doo-hickeys or even mobile problem can compete with the ‘hair’ problem.

Loose, fallen hair is one of those things that I just find gaggingly, skin-crawlingly repulsive.
Like cockroaches.

No, worse than cockroaches.

Public washbasins can be positively werewolfish because of all the feminine preening that goes on. Why do women lose their hair in washbasins then insist on leaving it there for others to find?
It’s as disgusting as rancid dischcloths.

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Our little home is occupied by two delightful schnauzers – dogs of a breed that does not shed hair. They have a shampoo, cut and blowdry far more frequently than I ever have.
No pooncy, skirty type grooming, just practical, US Marine style haircuts for dogs that spend a lot of time running, chasing rabbits, and sniffing everywhere in all weather. Well, okay, we keep the eyebrows and beards, but please note the eyebrows and beards are white.

The Other and Aunty both have quite short hair, the colour/ colours are blondish. My hair is collar length but also blonde [ahem, the real deal], but extremely fine.


How is it, then, that every time I start wiping down the stove or other white goods, the super-wipe cloth seems to produce long, thick, dark hairs that cling to freshly wiped surfaces? [Long, thick, dark hairs mind – no evidence of white schnauzer brows, short bimbo-blonde, or even a hint of perineal fallout.]
While cleaning, I can throw out a ‘hairy’ cloth and within two minutes the new one is similarly hirsute.

It’s must be another conspiracy of the washing machine design kind. Built in consumerism. Somewhere, right now as I type, some engineer is searching for better and more cost-effective ways to hide hair in these cloths – hair of the “instant hair, just add water” variety.

We go through lots of paper towelling.


14 comments:

  1. I've always wondered if washers really do suck the socks down into the drain.
    I'm with you on the hair thing and could go on about public bathrooms but will spare you the gore.

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    1. OMG Rubye, it never occurred to me the socks go down the gurgler and probably end up in the ocean. Sockeye salmon?

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    2. Socks in the ocean....

      That's a good theory.

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  2. Sounds like you have a hair fairy living at your place!.

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    1. Fairy or not, I wish he would go live somewhere else, Windsmoke.

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  3. A couple of months ago I came across a black dog hair. It can only be from our dog Toby, who died about 15 years ago in another house. Bit of a nasty hair story in this post, 4th para. http://highriser.blogspot.com.au/2008/07/day-12-amsterdam.html

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    1. Ooh Yuck, Andrew. I've stayed in some truly disgusting [cheap] places O/S - thank goodness for rubber thongs - but when I pay good money for accommodation or travel, these sorts of things are beyond the pale.
      It's a bit much when you feel you need a shower after having a shower.

      Now that I think about it, the worst accommodation - both hideously expensive AND disgusting - has always been in Sydney.

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  4. Isn't it obvious? The hair is some kind of alien currency for the socks, mobiles and nail files!!

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    1. LOL

      So Windsmoke meant a different kind of fairy - one that pays but pays in hair instead of 6d in a glass of water?

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  5. IT's interesting how different people get totally grossed out by different things. I'm not overly bothered by loose hair; but am absolutely disgusted by vomit. Other people seem so calm about it.

    Funny about the mobile phone! "Most of the calls we make from our kitchen phone here in Franger are made for the sole purpose of trying to locate mobiles."

    Tragic when the battery is too low and the calling trick doesn't work. Or are you good at making sure the battery doesn't go low.

    I'm often losing the book I'm reading. Unfortunately I can't call it.

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    1. Speaking of vomit... In the street near the Frankston station there is a string of bus shelters and to get to them one must pass a public toilet that makes Edinburgh's reputation as "Ol Reeky" a joke. I once asked a Scot why Edinburgh smells so much, and he told me it was the people. I think he was from Glasgow. Anyway, back to the toilet. Can anyone tell me why males will never flush a urinal? If they were foot operated would that help? The stench from the toilets at the bus stops is so bad that the drunks actually vomit just outside the dunny rather than in the dunny. Now that's gross. Vomit is not inherently gross, it's just the total lack of consideration that grosses me out. Along with the rates bill one year the council issued "I heart Frankston" bumper stickers. The few people with no sense of shame stuck them right next to their FOFF WE'RE FULL maps of Oz. A rates bill can be a very sobering document, otherwise the stickers would be crooked.

      Phone batteries sometimes get a tad low, but they are like dogs and let us know when they are hungry. Your house is obviously bigger than this one if the noise doesn't get to you.
      Speaking of animals, why don't people empty their cat litter? Cats should be foot operated if they don't know how to use a cat flap. Cat owners should be foot operated if they don't provide a cat flap and then don't eat their litter tray.
      Dog vomit is not so bad because they usually see vomit as a waste and just eat it again. Dogs would probably voted for the greens if they were allowed to vote. They love trees, too.

      You could call your books, but I bet the truth is the only reason you don't is because it would be silly.
      Lost books can usually be found simply by going from one bathroom to another. An exception would be a book I thought I lost last July [2011]. I cleaned out my car 3 weeks ago, and there it was! There is a god!

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    2. Oops. The line "cat owners should be foot operated if they don't provide a cat flap and then don't eat their litter tray" probably should read "...and then don't clean their litter tray.
      It might be a typo.

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  6. Funniest post I've read all day FC ..out loud, and it's a bit weird because it's nearly 1 am here in Perth and I feel a little crazy sitting laughing when all others are tucked up in bed asleep. The Edinburgh/Glasgow exchange hilarious!!

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    1. Grace, the Scot answered my question SO quickly that I suspect he has been asked the question a lot!

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