Monday, August 6, 2012

more grief

QE II carries a handbag. What’s in it, do you think? The keys to all those castles and palaces? Carrots in case she meets a horse? Corgi treats?
QE II also wears hats. If she wears and carries I’ll forgive her because she has to dress to impress, but personally I find the idea that a handbag can be a fashion statement ludicrous.

There are some exceptions but for the most part women’s handbags are just hideous. What is feminine about a bag with studs, chains and whips all over them? How can a Louis Vitton handbag make someone look like they have both taste and money, when we will just assume it is a knock-off anyway?

A few weeks ago, The Other’s niece bought a new handbag. Her mother laughed at it and said it looked like a granny’s bag. Her 5 year old daughter told her it was ugly. The niece is not a girly girl but, like me, she just tries to be practical.

Archaeologists have discovered that women started carrying handbags with a 3 cubic metre capacity about 682 BCE because men expect them to lug all their crap around. TO is not a man, but for the purposes of this discussion she is a partner who refuses to carry her own bag, and expects she can keep giving me her stuff to put in mine.

I don’t carry a huge bag, because I neither need nor want one. All I need is space for a very small note-wallet, power of attorney copies, 2 stacks of plastic /business cards [secured with rubber bands], a phone, a pen and small note pad, tissues, keys and spare keys, and a pair of sunnies.
There is also just enough room for a standard [smaller format] paperback if I expect to do some waiting.

At regular intervals TO asks me for her keys. Or her cards. This infuriates me because I can’t do a damned thing on demand, and I can never find them. She gives me stuff without saying “Fruitcake… please make a conscious note that I am giving you my keys. I will make a note of which compartment of your bag you place them in.”
I’m such an accommodating idiot that I just automatically take them and bag them without even registering that I do it.

No. I refuse to carry chocolates “won” from those crane machines, or leftovers for dogs. No. Carry your own bottle of water. Better yet, carry a bag of your own.

The most ridiculous thing of all is that TO carries her phone in her pocket, but refuses to get any kind of case for it. I just went to pay a phone bill which should be for a capped amount and according to Optus she has made $136.67 worth of mobile phone calls – to non-Optus numbers – in one month.

Naturally I tried very hard to access an itemised account via the Optus web page and kept getting error messages. Can’t wait for her to ring Optus – from a land line – and organise an itemised statement of all these calls. 
She wouldn’t be the first person who has accidentally dialled a number using the floating-around-with-other-crap-in-the-pocket method.

With that much money she could buy a phone case and a bag of her own. 
I wish.


  1. Most handbags are full of girlie junk, some even have weird things growing inside 'em which are not of this planet and are as heavy as a house brick.

    1. He he, Windsmoke. Weird things growing? You've spent time with some interesting girlies.
      Does a brick qualify as a concealed weapon?

  2. Time to man up and make a stand. My partner often carries my stuff, but I don't really expect it. It would only be water and a cap anyway, oh and sunscreen......and insect repellent, and....oh.

    1. Oh, that's where I'm going wrong! Okay. No more stamping of feet, hissy fits or tantrums.
      I'll 'just say no'. Oh, wait, that was Mrs Reagan.

  3. those mobile calls you mention, were known, before the development of the Locked Keypad (TO are you listening?)
    as Handbag Calls.

    Along with the keys to the kingdom, Her Majesty's Rayne bag contains a Glock.

  4. I have also read somewhere that the point of the Queen's handbag is that when she changes arms, that is the signal for her Lady In Trailing to rescue her from an over-talkative garden party guest etc.

    opshops are full of handbags discarded by women searching for the perfect one. Never buy a soft one, as you need both hands to hold it open while looking for something in it; and why oh why do they all have black lining?

    1. Ooooh, Ann, please don't encourage me to carry a glock. Perhaps a glock weighs much the same as a house brick but I would not be bopping someone over the head wiv me bag if they [note: "they"] made me mad, I would suddenly be able to find what I was looking for in said bag in 2 seconds flat.

      Black lining works for me because [don't tell Windsmoke] a lot of strange and grubby things do sometimes find their way in. The semaphore thing makes sense.

      "Edward" is going to email a detailed breakdown of the bill "within 24 to 48 hours". Should make interesting reading.

  5. Why is there no little light that comes on when you open the bag? They have been in fridges forever you think handbag manufacturers would catch on.
    Then again it is beyond me what you want one for, I survive without (but I am a man) and I carry my own (very limited for obvious reasons) crap.

    I like the idea that QEII carries a glock, the modern equivalent of Henry VIII carrying a sword.

    1. The light idea is brilliant. How big would the batteries be, and would a spare set fit in my bag?

      If you carry your own crap you are a good man, just as I suspected.

      We got the breakdown of phone charges. Some relate to the other's mother's hospital dramas.

      I've also made 9 million calls to a man who wants to buy my mother's house. $11.50 for 15 seconds during peak times.
      So, there was no 'handbag call/ pocket call" and I owe TO an apology. Sheesh, I hate that.

  6. I don't like handbags. I'm always scared of losing it. I much prefer to put mu phone in my pocket and take TOH with his wallet. He has to find a place for my asthma spray too.

    1. My handbag is always slung around my neck no matter how inconvenient or inelegant. In Europe I'm constantly nagged to grip it with one hand as well, as The Other is convinced every man woman child and stray dog on the continent is a gypsy out to cut it loose and run. Naturally the only place I've ever been robbed is Frankston.

      A man who carries "his" wallet as well as an asthma spray is a find. No wonder you always have such nice things to say about him.